Smut, Sluts and Stuff: The Scandals of Hogwarts
by Kay Jones
Summary: In the crazy world of Hogwarts, it's easy to loose track of who's-done-who. But the real trouble arises when Hermione comes to find she's obtained more than muscle aches...(rated R for endless sexual, not tacky, references)


**DISCLAIMER OF BORING BUSINESS IN WHICH YOU MIGHT ALREADY KNOW ABOUT**

We (the UBHF) do not own any of the characters named or mentioned in this story.

This story was written in the Fall of 2003 during Marching Band competitions. I have documented proof along with eye-witness accounts.

We are sorry a head of time if this sounds like other peoples writing style. Since we (the UBHF) wrote this, that means 4 girl combined and submitted a paragraph by their own writing style.

We KNOW that's from Moulin Rouge.

We KNOW that's from Louise Rennison.

If certain parts don't make sense. Pretend like they do.

The gratuitous sexual actions are necessary in the first part of the story.

(On account of it setting up the plot.)

**This is rated-R because of references to sexual actions, not NC-17,**

**because we never specifically describe every action of sex. (that would be silly) **

Lastly, if we receive any e-mails flaming us about a topic already mentioned above, you are not only _very_ slow, but do not read Disclaimers. _Shame on you! _

**Enjoy **

-The UBHF

**---------------------------------**

**GRIFFINDOR COMMON ROOM **

HERMIONE: ::is having wild sex with Ron::

Fred and George enter the common room.

FRED: OMGWTF!

HERMIONE: I'm not a slut! ::runs up to girls dormitories::

RON: ::hides behind curtains with shame::

Then, for no apparent reason, Fred and George decided to find Hermione in the Girl's Dormitory and butt rape her with a random Hogwarts trombone. Ron, hearing Hermiones screams, comes out from behind his curtain. In addition, shocked by his brothers' behaviors: passes clean out.

FRED AND GEORGE: ::sees Ron's nakedness and passes out as well::

HERMIONE: Stupid boys.

Hermione shrugged, grabbed Ron by the arms and dragged him down the hall to the Boy's Dormitories for safekeeping.

HERMIONE: Ron, you're an idiot.

RON: But I love you Herm-

HERMIONE: Shut up.

RON: But I-

HERMIONE: That is not shutting up, Ron. That is you rambling on.

RON: ::cowers::

HERMIONE: Besides, Harry's practicing Quidditch so we might as well go and see how he's doing. After all, he IS our sad, sodden friend.

RON: You just like the group sex afterwards!

HERMIONE: You'd be lying if you said you didn't.

**QUIDDITCH FIELD SHOWER ROOM**

The Gryffindor Team was having a crazy orgy...in the showers. Ron and Hermione came and joined in when they saw the steam rising out of the doorway. Professor McGonagall came and knocked on the locker room door. As quickly as possible they dressed and opened the door only to see McGonagall and Flitwick.

MCGONAGALL: Are you having an orgy?

OLIVER: Is it that obvious Professor?

MCGONAGALL: Just wondering, Wood, because we were!

FLITWICK: ::titters like a little girl::

The Gryffindor Team, Hermione and Ron gaped at the teachers with utter horror.

MCGONAGALL: Well, let's get started.

FLITWICK: thehehehe

EVERYONE: AHHH!!

**LATER THAT DAY **

RON: My butt hurts.

HARRY: Mine too.

HERMIONE: I wish she wasn't so pinchy!

RON: I would never in my wildest dreams think that Snape was so...GREASY! Does that guy ever take a bath?

HARRY: He reminds me of Sirius.

HERMIONE: . . .

RON: . . .

HARRY: What?

HERMIONE: Speaking of Bathes pets Ron's arm

Hermione and Ron escape to the tub, at which point the bell rings for class.

HERMIONE: Oh no! We are going to be late.

HARRY: Don't worry Hermione, I'll use my naturally cunning charm to figure out a way to distract the teachers so they won't notice our absence.

HERMIONE: Oh Harry, you are so clever! What sort of bubble salts should we use?

RON: BATMAN!

HERMIONE: No Ron.

All of a sudden, Draco waltzes in the room humming and twirling a frilly tassel from his dark green robe.

ORAGN MUSIC: ::plays esoterically in the background::

DRACO: Hullllooooo. I was just is the tower looking for virgins and I over heard you prats. A bath sounds lovely...

HARRY: Sod off Malfoy. We don't want your heinous arse lounging around here.

DRACO: ::grabs Hermione:: Where's my bath you saucy wench?!

HERMIONE: EW! As if!

We would like to interrupt this fic to announce that the next few scenes are censored. Let it be known that there was just too many unbelievable slashy situation and unorthodox hanky-panky. Thank you.

**THAT VERY NEXT DAY **

Hermione woke up to find Ron, Draco, Snape, Harry, Fred and George sleeping around her. Aside from Draco who was physically on her.

HERMIONE: Wow, must have been a crazy night. ::kicks many butter beer bottles off the bed::

SNAPE: ::mumbles in sleep:: _Ohhh yea, like that professor_..._zzzz_

Harry sits up and shakes his after-sex hair.

HERMIONE: Harry,

HARRY: ::is looking attractive::

HERMIONE: ...do you ever think there might be more to life than sex?

HARRY: You mean like studying, getting a job, raising a family and dying?

HERMIONE: Yeah

HARRY: Wasn't there a chapter about that in Divination?

HERMIONE: Yeah it was crap.

HARRY: 'nuff said.

HERMIONE: ::purrs::

HARRY: pounces

We regret to inform you that the next section of this fanfic is also censored due to reasons similar to the last censored section. In fact, the next four days have been censored as well. We are almost sorry for the inconvenience, and shall carry on now.

**FOUR DAYS LATER **

HARRY: wow.

HERMIONE: I can't move. These past few days's I have been using muscles I didn't even recall having!

RON: Malfoy, you have a huge talent.

DRACO: Thanks. I work out.

HERMIONE: Wait. How do you work out your-

DRACO: You don't want to know.

HERMIONE: alright

DRACO: Next time we have one of these shindigs lets do it at my love shack. The leather is just so arousing.

HARRY: Draco! You know what leather does to me!

DRACO: Indeed. But I love it even more when you talk dirty parseltounge to me.

HARRY: HISSSS HHIISS ASSSSSSS AKKSSSSS

Between the moans and heavy sighs, Ron and Hermione attempted to proceed in this somewhat of an awkward situation.

RON:...So eh

HARRY: AHHH!! HISSS!!

RON: Hermione...

MALFOY: HARDER SNAKE BOY! HARDER!

RON:...about last night.

SNAPE: OHH GAWWWDDD! HARRY! 10 TRILLION POINTS TO GRIFFINDOR!

RON: I just wanted to tell you that although you might not like me, I really like you.

HERMIONE: Ron, I know. Everyone knows. Have you seen the Internet lately; nothing but HR Shipping.

RON: Huh?

HERMIONE: Has anyone noticed we've missed four days of school!?

SNAPE: Don't worry. I'll say you were "assisting me" in an off-school project.

HARRY: Ohhh, like "Quidditch Practice".

SNAPE: Yeah, something like that.

The boys (and Snape) cleaned up, were dressed, and left Hermione to sleep. For she was extremely tired after four days of non-stop pleasure. After her nap she dressed, about to leave the room when Hagrid bounded in. Obviously frazzled: his hair all sexed and his clothes only partially covering...eh...himself. As he attempted to cover his royalties, he panted:

HAGRID: The...heir of... Slytherin' is back! Moreover,...he's...got a nasty...appetite for wild, hot, tantrum orgies!

HERMIONE: OH NO!

HAGRID: Everyone's 'n the Chamber o' Secrets. Hurray!

**THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS **

HERMIONE: That's one **HUGE** snake.

TOM RIDDLE: Thanks. It's genetic.

HARRY: pants He can speak parseltounge too!

DRACO: And he's great in bed!

RON: You can say that again!

DRACO: And he's great in bed!

RON: ...

HERMIONE: Well it looks like you boys have solved all the secrets of this chamber.

HARGID: Looks like it, sorry for calling you down here Hermione.

HERMIONE: It's alright Hagrid, but since we're all down here...

SEX: persists

**POTIONS CLASS **

Snape paced in front of the children mumbling about snakes. They were getting antsy, the room was hot, and candles kept burning making the heat close to unbearable. Snape stopped in front of Hermione's table for the third time. The students stared with out sound.

SNAPE: Miss Granger.

Hermione sighed. Everyone shifted impatiently, leaning more and more towards the girl. Snape tapped his foot quicker this time.

HERMIONE: Oh all right! lifts shirt up

CLASS: cheers

SNAPE: Class may begin.

He went on about some potion that worked like viagra. Ron kept shifting his chair towards Hermione.

RON: Hey Hermione, I was wondering if you and I could have a little "meeting" tonight in the library.

HERMIONE: No Ron. I have so much work to do. We've missed four days of class. I'm sure to get low marks now.

RON: I love you, Hermione. I thought that meant something to you.

He couldn't help but wonder why Hermione was so cold to him and warm towards everyone else. Her pondered why Malfoy always got first dibs in sex positions, and he couldn't help but let his thoughts wander over towards Harry. Even though he was his best friend, Ron was insanely jealous of his overwhelming libido. Suddenly it made sense: Hermione was the only one for him. If he could not have her, that life would become a dark road of incest.

Jumping out of his chair, Ron spun facing her and belted in sing-song words:

RON: JUST ONE NIGHT! JUST ONE NIGHT!

CLASS: gasp oggle swoon

HERMIONE: Sit down Weasley. There's no way 'cause you can't pay.

RON: In the name of love, Hermione, one night in the name of love!

HERMIONE: OH FINE! Just one night!

CLASS: _Awwwww_

Hermione proceeds to drag Ron out of class, then up the stone staircase towards Griffindor wing.

SNAPE: You'd think people would have had enough of these silly love songs.

NEVILLE: I look around me, Professor, and I see that isn't so.

LAVENDER: Yeah, but some people want to fill the world up with silly love songs?

NEVILLE: What's wrong with that?

LAVENDER: Everything.

NEVILLE: sulks

Then out of now where, Draco launched from his chair.

DRACO: WE CAN BE HEROS, POTTER! WE CAN BE LOVERS!

HARRY: We can't do that.

DRACO: We should be lovers, and that's a fact.

HARRY: Though nothing could keep us together.

DRACO: You would think so... baneful grin

NEVILLE: sniffles How wonderful life is...

**GRIFFINDOR TOWER**

HERMIONE: Ooooo, Ron.

RON: Yes?

HERMIONE: I don't feel very well.

RON: Cripes. Are you dying?

HERMIONE: NO I'm not dying you moron! I'm- throws up

**HOSPITAL WING **

MADAMA POMFREY: You, my dear, are pregnant.

HERMIONE: But...but...

MADAME POMFREY: But what I'd like to know is: Who's child is it?

HERMIONE: Well mine you narcotic nun.

MADAME POMFREY: No, no no. I mean who's the child's father, you slut?

HERMIONE: Insolent hussy! I don't have to tell you!

MADAME POMFREY: I'm your nurse, of course you do.

HERMIONE: Bah! You just want to hear all the dirty details. I bet you haven't got any in the past 20 years!

MADAME POMFREY: Ah-ha! Obviously, you have not heard of my wild rompings with Albus!

HERMIONE: _Poor Dumbledore!_

Hermione slumped into a near by chair.

HERMIONE: I mean...actually...I don't know who the father is. I've had quiet the eh- interesting past few weeks.

MADAME POMFREY: I suppose there's only one way to find out.

HERMIONE: No! Not the-

MADAME POMFREY: YES, the UP-THE-ASS-SNOOGLE-DETECTOR!

HERMIONE: Noooooooooo.

MADAME POMFREY: Ready or not! Here we go!

**HOUR LATER **

MADAME POMFREY: Well, amongst the varied DNA of assorted staff members, students, foreign seekers and mythical animals, it seems you are mothering MY CHILD!

HERMIONE: DEAR GOD!

MADAME POMFREY: Kidding Darling, just kidding. This is really something you need to sort out for yourself. However, if you cannot seem to find the father-if your quest is unsuccessful, I do have the results of the U.T.A.S.D, so never fear.

Hermione left the hospital wing depressed.

HERMIONE: How am I going to find out who the father is?

She began to walk to the Griffindor common room.

HERMIONE: I guess I have to tell, well, everyone I have had sex with. Backtrack. Yes... this is going to be very difficult.

**GRIFFINDOR COMMON ROOM OF SMUT **

So Hermione first told Seamus because we haven't mentioned him in this story yet, and frankly he needs mentioning.

SEAMUS: We it's easy to see who the father is, Hermione.

HERMIONE: Really?

SEAMUS: Yeah, you've been pregnant for a few weeks, so count back that much and there's your daddy.

HERMIONE: tries to remember

SEAMUS: smiles stupidly

HERMIONE: Wait, I had a crazy orgy a few weeks ago. So I'll have to figure out which one of the boys it was.

SEAMUS: You had a what?

HERMIONE: Could be Harry. He was first in...

SEAMUS: Potter? You?

HERMIONE: ...Then again, George, Fred, Ron and Sirius Black were all there.

SEAMUS: OMG, EW!

**HOSPITAL WING **

Hence forth, Hermione gathered Harry, Ron, and the twins together in the hospital wing to deliver the news. Sadly, Sirius was not allowed in Hogwarts at the time so Harry used the fireplace and made his Godfathers head pop through.

HARRY: YOU'RE WHAT! BLOODY HELL! This'll ruin my reputation!

RON: What Reputation?

HARRY: Of being gay!

SNAPE: Hermione, I am not the father because I am ugly. Thank you.

HERMIONE: But you weren't even there.

SNAPE: shifty eyes

RON: It's me Hermione. I'm the father.

HERMIONE: Why Ron. How man of you to confess that.

Harry and the Twins "Aww'ed" as Hermione hugged Ron. And there was much sexing between them right there on the hospital floor.

HARRY: Can we join?

HERMIONE: NO!

HARRY: Well _why not_?

HERMIONE: Because he's the father.

HARRY: You don't know that for sure! If I remember clearly, we had just finished reading a karma sutra book when I lit incense and-

HERMIONE: I don't remember incense.

FRED: Me niether...

GEORGE: ...but there was booze, and many canary creams.

HARRY: Okay, so we were drunk, not high, and looked like canaries, no hippies when this happened. Anyway, I distinctly remember myself nailing you first.

RON: Well said, Harry.

FRED: That's what I remember too.

HERMIONE: What? Harry was the first?

GEORGE: Don't you recall? Nothing came out of Ron when he tried so he went off to the Hospital Wing to get the viagra potion. That's why Snape knew to come here.

SNAPE: shifty...

FRED: Well that makes sense.

RON: HURRAH! I'M NOT RESPOSIBLE!

HARRY: Wait a minute! I went with Ron to the Hospital Wing! How do I know this? Because I fixed him. )

EVERYONE: Ewww.

HERMIONE: gasp Oh my! Then is must have been Sirius!

SIRIUS: Dwahh?

HERMIONE: OH I KNEW it would be him! He was so rough and...grrrr! TIGER! Well, I better go tell him the good news.

With that she fled the grounds in search of Mr. Black.

HARRY: My GODFATHER? Lupin's going to be pissed.

SIRIUS: I'll say.

With that Sirius disappeared from the fire whilst Harry left the brothers alone in the Wing to go write in his diary of angsty thoughts.

FRED: What now?

RON: We could do our homework.

GEORGE: Homework...right_. Homework_

RON: gulps

TWINCEST: endures

**A COZY CAVE IN THE FORBIDDEN FOREST HOME TO MR. "Call me Sirius" BLACK**

HERMIONE: Hullo Sirius!

SIRIUS: So you're pregnant eh?

HERMIONE:...

SIRIUS: Well I always knew my godson had it in him. Ha ha. His father was wonderful you know.

HERMIONE: AH! MY EARS!

SIRIUS: Pity that the Dark Lord s'ploded him. Pie?

He offered the small girl a slice of pecan pie.

HERMIONE: Sirius, It was you!

SIRIUS: Yes, of course it was me...

HERMIONE: smiles

SIRIUS: ...who else could make such a saucy pecan pie in the woods?

HERMIONE: faceplam No, Sirius. YOU'RE THE FATHER!

SIRIUS: ...

HERMIONE: ...

SIRIUS: Harry's can't be my child. James and I-

HERMIONE: Oy! Let my spell it out for you: WE. HAD. SEX. AND. NOW. I'M. PREGNANT.

SIRIUS: No we didn't

HERMIONE: Well, not intentionally but I assure you we did.

SIRIUE: What do you mean?

HERMIONE: You were aiming for Fred and missed, remember?

SIRIUS: Ohhhh, that's why there was no resistance!

HERMIONE: Excuse me?

SIRIUS: Now, now Herman...

HERMIONE: Hermione.

SIRIUS: Of course you are. Look, I'm sorry for your gain really.

HERMIONE: Sirius, I like you a lot. But I hate how you ran out.

SIRIUS: Ran out? Harmony, I have another pie in the oven as we speak. Plenty to go around.

HERMIONE: AUGUHHGH!

And with that she ran out of the forest crying to Seamus (who's the only normal one around). Seamus comforted the sulking girl.

SEAMUS: There, there. It's Black, what do you expect?

HERMIONE: CARE! boohoohoo

SEAMUS: Well, why don't you go talk to him again and bring some pie. That seems to capture his interest.

HERMIONE: Seamus, you're so thoughtful.

SEAMUS: blushes

**THE DIRTY ELF-INFESTED KITCHEN**

HERMIONE: You sure this will work?

DOBBY: Positive. Dobby know his potions, uses them on his Winky all the time.

HERMIONE: ... dear god

**LATER THAT NIGHT IN THE FORBIDDEN FOREST OF DESIRE **

SIRIUS: Why Harold, that was delicious pie.

HERMIONE: Hermione!

There they went down with much grunting and panting.

HERMIONE: _Wow, it worked. It's even better the second time! _

Meanwhile in the other Chamber of Secrets, our very own Malfoy applied a third layer of lipstick and declared his love for Longbottom. And while this really had nothing to do with anything; we will now attempt to venture back to our twisted plot. However, this we realize is a very vain attempt. But like you lot care.

**GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM OF KINKY METAPHORS**

As Harry sat in the common room playing "hit the beetle" with Ron, Hermioneglided in like she was the Queen Fairy of Mirkwood.

SEAMUS: Hermione snogged Sirius!

HERMIONE: Tehehehehe

RON: But...but..I thought...you and me...

HERMIONE: Oh come off it Ron. Everyone knows you kiss like a Dementor.

HARRY: It's True!

Ron walked up to the boy's dormitories, too embarrassed to look at anyone. Harry joined Hermione on the floor.

HARRY: So how was it? I've...uh...heard that my godfather is quite good.

HERMIONE: It was wonderful, Harry. It just comes so naturally to him.

HARRY: That's nice.

HERMIONE: grabs Harry's hand Oh Harry, I'm so happy. Everything is working out fine and you're such a sweet friend to stick by me an everything. I don't think I've ever told you how important you are to me. Really.

HARRY: ...

GEORGE: So-

FRED: _SHHH!_ I wanna them shag.

GEORGE: **SO** when's the baby coming?

HERMIONE: Less than nine months.

FRED: Obviously.

GEORGE: What are you going to do when it's born? You can't take it to class with you.

HERMIONE: No, no I can't. Harry and I were planning to transfigure it into a cauldron; Convenient and handy right Harry?

HARRY:...

**NINE MONTHS LATER**

HERMIONE: Sirius, darling, could you hand me the food coloring for the candy batter I'm mixing like the loving house wench I am.

SIRIUS: Uhhhh

Nine months have past, and after going through a number of "Home and Garden" magazine, Hermione has turned Black's Bachelor Cave into a wonderfully home environment mirroring houses from the 50's black-and-white sitcoms.

SIRIUS: I hate my life.

Hermione sips a spoonful of the candy potion, but as she does her water breaks.

HERMIONE: ERLACK! I'm having it!

SIRIUS: Candy?

HERMIONE: My water...

SIRIUS: Oh you want water?

HERMIONE: No, I

SIRIUS: Here you go. offers glass

HERMIONE: I'M HAVING THE BABY YOU DULL NITWIT

SIRIUS: Baby? Baby? Wait. I thought you were just fat...

The rest of this story is censored due to pregnancy and injury on Sirius' behalf. We now pick up a few weeks after the birth when the wee child has (appropriately named Mr. Frodo) hair growing.

HERMIONE: Isn't Mr. Frodo just delightful cute?

SIRIUS: groan

HERMIONE: Why look Sirius! Mr. Frodo's hair is coming in splendidly.

However, to Hermione's horror the little bits of hair coming in did not take the form of her respective curly brown, nor greasy black...but rather fiery red.

HERMIONE: HOLY CRAP!

SIRIUS: I thought we named it Mr. Frodo.

HERMIONE: His hair is red! **RON!**

Storming up to the castle, Hermione soon found Ron sitting innocently with Harry in the common room playing Wizard Cards.

RON: Hullo Hermione, how's Mr. Frodo?

HERMIONE: Ronald, Mr. Frodo isn't Sirius'.

RON: Oh really? Why would you say that?

HERMIONE: Look at him! thrusts baby into arms

RON: Awwwww cuddles

HERMIONE:...

RON: So why are you showing me this?

HERMIONE: AUHUHAUGHAUH

**HOSPITAL WING OF DESPARE**

HERMIONE: How could you? You know all along and didn't tell me! Why?

MADAME POMFREY: cackles

The Twins come in with flowers and a bottle of port.

FRED: Hey Hermione, winkwink how's Sirius? nudgenudge

HERMIONE: HE'S TERRIBLE! He isn't the father! Ron is, and Ron's being a numskull about the whole thing!

MADAME POMFREY: MWAHAHAHA

GEORGE: I thought Ron was having man trouble that night.

FRED: Yeah...unlike us.

GEORGE: We were all over you, Hermione.

HERMIONE: I remember.

FRED: Let's see it then.

HERMIOINE: hands Mr. Frodo over to Fred

FRED Yep, it's got the Weasley hair.

GEORGE: It has your eyes, Fred.

FRED: ...and your nose, Toots.

HERMIONE: You're identical twins! Of course you have the same nose! You're both complete idiots!

MADAME POMFREY: FWAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU STUPID LITTLE GIRL!

HERMIONE: Oh god. What now?

MADAME POMFREY: It was Fred and George all this time! Haha I fooled you because I'm jealous of your youthful sex appeal.

HERMIONE: Oh that's it Poppy; You're going down.

Thus, Hermione delivered a World Wizard Smackdown on the grudging school nurse while Fred and George looked on with great admiration.

GEORGE: Her fire makes me feel frisky.

FRED: Indeed George. Still, I think it is time for "homework".

GEORGE: Right-o

Therefore Madame Pomfrey was maimed; soon afterward, Hermione and the twins retreated to a broom cupboard as Black stood outside crying at the loss of his beloved cook. Meanwhile, not too far away, Malfoy and Longbottom had animalistic sex as Harry played _Pretty Pretty Princess_ in the corner dungeon...and there was much rejoicing.

NO MORE


End file.
